Sometimes I write depressing things. In part, that’s because I have clinical depression. Honestly, if you look at what I post, it probably shouldn’t surprise anyone – after all, I have a lot of “Oh, sad” stories, and then some with a more humorous bent. Which is really a lot like having depression.
Most of the stories that I post here originate with me sitting in front of the keyboard saying, “I feel like writing something. Let’s see what comes out.” These short stories rarely have any “idea” behind them. Sometimes I’ll have an opening line or a bare concept. Most of the time I just sit down and see what comes out.
Sure, for longer fiction (say, novels) I’ll need more of a plan or worked-out characters, but for these little things I post – often shorter than 1000 words? It’s just whatever’s on my mind.
And that… can be a little revealing, can’t it?
Of course, I’m not the only writer with depression. I’m really, really not the only pastor who suffers from depression, either.
Why?
Well, pastors bear a lot of burdens and see a lot of sadness. I hold people as they die. I counsel them through betrayal and mourning. I weep as they walk away from Jesus. Often pastors are alone, too, with very few if any people to talk to. (I count myself incredibly blessed to have several close friends in ministry I talk to often about difficulties, and I return the favor whenever possible!) Pastors see a lot of anger thrown at them, and pastors are rarely depicted well in most television shows outside of maybe some Lifetime specials. (I wouldn’t know about the Lifetime specials, but I’m sure others do.)
It makes sense that pastors struggle with depression.
Why writers?
I don’t think it’s that writers suffer depression; I think it’s that depressed people write.
To be a little pithy – do you remember being a teenager and going through that phase of, “Life is terrible”? Do you remember… writing during that period of your life? I mean, sure, you might cringe at it, but I think a lot of people went through that phase. I did. I remember at the ripe age of fifteen, when I had suffered so much (note sarcasm), writing a little thing called “Exhaustion” shortly after my crush told me she didn’t like me that way.
It may have been a tad… overdramatic.
But there’s something about us, about how our hearts work, that when we share the burdens of our hearts, that burden lifts. Often times it’s hard to find a person to share the burden, so we turn to ink and paper. What we write, even if it’s never shared, is a way to lessen that weight on the soul.
So… we write to relieve our burdens.
I know I do. When I’ve had a hard day, I will come home, kiss my wife, and say, “I need to write.” And she lets me go… and I write. Oftentimes the product of that will end up on my ministry blog. Sometimes they end up as stories that show up here.
And you know what? It works. Give me an hour with a word processor after a long day… and generally, I feel better. I feel like the emotions are still there, but they’ve been tamed by the words spat on the page, caged in with letters and punctuation. I may be wrung out, but no longer distraught. I’m ready to face my family without despair clinging to me from the last situation I faced.
So yeah. Writing works, at least for me, as a way to deal with emotions, particularly ones that hit me in depression.
I don’t know if that’s what’s going on with other writers – though at least for some, I strongly suspect that’s the case. (Stephen King is on record that he has written some of his most-famous works to try and work through various addictions, for instance.)
So if you keep in mind that I suffer from depression… what I post here were rarely surprise you. Sad things. Funny things. They’re all coming from my need to write to work out my brokenness. And if that ends up in some stories that you enjoy? Well, we both win.